I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
