everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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