Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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