Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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