it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
