you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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