I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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