so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
