my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
