I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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