I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
