I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
