I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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