We named our party play list daddy issues
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
