I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
