I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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