So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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