we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
