Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
