Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
