From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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