We named our party play list daddy issues
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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