so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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