where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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