I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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