worst night to have a conscience
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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