I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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