I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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