so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
