On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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