i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
