This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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