fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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