Don't make out with my wife yet
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I supernannyed him into submission
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
