Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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