apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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