i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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