no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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