I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize