i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize