I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
