Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
