I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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