The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
