Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
