God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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