She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
