girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
