did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
