Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
