Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
