So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
