Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Terrible idea I love it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
