He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
