EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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