she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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