He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
