he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
