Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
