I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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