Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
