no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
