I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I love you. Go after that dick
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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