Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
