I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
