if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
