I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
