best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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