I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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