Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
