Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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